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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, “If you don’t have $15, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?”
“What?! Get the hell out of my cab!”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabby replied “fifteen bucks.” The businessman said “OK” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver!
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, “You finish?”
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No.”
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, “You finish?”
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, “No, I’m Norwegian.
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. “Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?” she says. “We were just playing church mommy,” he said. “And I was just baptizing him…..In the name of the Father, the Son and in…the hole-he-goes.”
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, “That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered, “THE TEETH.”
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
“You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”
The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.” Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law… But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”
The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?” The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”
The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”
The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”
The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”
The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus, because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”
There was an older woman wandering around the supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssco!” Soon, a store clerk approached her, saying, “Madam, the Crisco is on Aisle D.”
The woman replied, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my husband.”
“Your husband’s name is Crisco?” asked the clerk.
“Oh, no, no! I only call him that when we’re in public,” she said.
Curious, the clerk asked, “Well, what do you call him when you’re at home?”
“Lard ass,” she replied.
The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
35% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”
65% of respondents answered: “No es una problema serio.”
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact,
“Mary . . Mary. .”
“Is that you, Fred?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.”
“Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”
“Not exactly, I’m a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.”
A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, the study found that if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is pre- menstrual or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his a$$ while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Hummer I bought for you,
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your New York Giant’s season tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership,
and he even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”
The cabby replied; “I’d cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device. A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.”
Housework was a woman’s job; but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. “We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.”
“But what about afterward?” asked her friends.
“Oh, that…, Ralph was too tired.”
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 South, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving North or South. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What happened? What’s the hold up?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”
The driver asks, “On average, how much is everyone giving?”
“About a gallon.”
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy The 87 year old said “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?”
He said, “I want 5 loaves.
She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves…by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard”
He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.”
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No ****?”
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!”
Up there by Lake Woebegone in Minnesota, it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero. When Lena got off work, she made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She remembered Ole’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started following it.
As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of Ole’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The snow plow driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted…but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.
The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver.
In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window. The next morning when the man woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him.
Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.
The moral to this is “don’t screw around with things you don’t understand — you could lose your ass”.
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog. I was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog…….. Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again — although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time. Last time I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no…I’d been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
Priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. He stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said “Shit, I missed.”
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. “Shit, I missed.”
“Father, I’m not going to play with you if you keep swearing,” the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, “Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.”
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. “Shit, I missed.”
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice …….”Shit, I missed.”
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Touchdown, tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, “What the hell was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
“My name is Carmen,” she told him.
“That’s a beautiful name,” he said. “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. “I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men.”
“What’s your name?” she asked.
“Beertits,” he said.
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well…last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck…this is your grandma’s idea.”
How do Hillbillies celebrate on Halloween? They Pumpkin!
Have you ever wondered how a woman’s brain works? Well….it’s finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
Good thing a man’s brain requires only two balls
Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, “Rabbi, we realize it’s tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we’d like your permission to dance together.”
“Absolutely not,” says the rabbi. “It’s immodest, Men and women always dance separately.”
“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”
“No,” answered the rabbi. “It’s forbidden.”
“Well, okay,” says the man, “what about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the rabbi. “Sex is a mitzvah (good deed) within marriage, to have children!”
“What about different positions?” asks the man
“No problem,” says the rabbi. “It’s a mitzvah!”
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Sure,” says the rabbi. “Go for it! It’s a mitzvah!”
“Doggy style?”
“Sure! Another mitzvah!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes! A mitzvah!”
“Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”
“You may indeed. It’s all a mitzvah!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“No.” says the rabbi.”
“Why not?” asks the man.
“Could lead to dancing”
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it and soon was enjoying the wind blowing through his thin hair. “Amazing!!” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking into his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. “I can get away from him, no problem!” thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110 and finally 120 mph. Suddenly, he thought “What on earth am I doing?” I’m too old for this nonsense, so he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the driver’s side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes, today is Friday, now if you can give me a valid reason why you were speeding – one which I have never heard before – I’ll let you go.”
The man, looking very serious at the trooper, said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were him trying to bring her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir – and drive careful”, said the trooper.
A blonde goes into a pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says Sex Frogs only $20. each
Comes with complete instructions. The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anyone is looking. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter. “I’ll take one.” As the man packages the frog he quietly says to her, just follow the instructions. “The blonde nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified.
1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice perfume
3. Slip into a fancy nightie
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you and the frog will do what he is trained to do.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing happens. The blonde is quite disappointed and upset at this time. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says —-if you have any problems or questions please call the pet store. So the blonde makes the phone call. The man says I will be right over. Within minutes the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, “See I have done everything according to the instructions.” The damn frog just sits there.
The man looking very concerned picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly, “Look. I am only going to show you how to do this one more time!!!!”
A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?”
The man said, “I’m NOT happy; my butt itches!”
WORDS WOMEN USE (and their meaning)
FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES – If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘Nothing’ usually end in “Fine.”
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it.
LOUD SIGH – This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”
THAT’S OKAY – This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
WHATEVER – It’s a woman’s way of saying *!#@ YOU!
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology! Send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and, according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Here is the professor’s “Bonus Question”: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct… leaving only Heaven . . . thereby proving the existence of a divine being . . . which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says, ” I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack o’ dem rubbers gonna cost me?
The pharmacist responds, “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.”
To which the redneck replies, “TACKS! Gawd a’mighty, don’t they stay on by therself.
The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: ” Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you, or, Jack off.”
“Could you just jack off?” she says. “I feel like shit.”
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, “What do you have in your hand?”
The boy said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.”
He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him, “What do you have in your hand?”
So the little boy said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.”
Then the principal got mad and yelled, “Open your hands NOW!”
So he did and the little boy said, “Oh great, now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!”
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, “I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”
He never heard the shot.
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees and beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees and beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Louisville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody until you plug in this thing!
You don’t even have to be a mother to enjoy this one…
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY – NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”
The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus so shut the hell up.”
Have a great day!
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you’ve got there – are they twins?”
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t, the oldest one, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really think they look alike?”
“No”, replies the greeter. “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice!”
A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor. “You ain’t gonna believe this, Doc,” said the husband. “My thingy’s turnin’ blue.”
“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.” The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck’s “thingy” really was blue.
The doctor turns to the wife, “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?”
“Yep, shore am,” she replied brightly.
“And what kind of jelly are you using with it?”
“Grape.”
A Couple were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one. “Sorry I’m running late had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present.”
“Not to worry,” said the dad “the important thing is that we’re all here together today.”
Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom still look great, Dad, I just flew in from L A. and didn’t have time to get you a present. Sorry.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father, “Glad you were able to be here.”
Just then the daughter arrived, “Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary!
I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.”
Again the father said, “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.”
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, “Listen up, all three of you, there’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married.”
The three kids gasp and said, “You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yep,” said the dad, “and cheap ones too!”
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon.”
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics”
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire.”
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”
The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!”
Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member of the church, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house and walked home, leaving it there all night.
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven, “says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven.” So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning…… Today you voted.”
My wife and I are watching “Who wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No.” She answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
“Yes.” She replied.
Then I said, ” I’d like to phone a friend.”
That’s the last thing I remember…..
A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, “What were you and dad doing?” The mother replies, “Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.”
“You’re wasting your time.” says the boy.
“Why is that?” asked his mom, puzzled?
“Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!”
A small zoo in Arkansas had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, hillbillies, and desert rats, wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.
1. “First,” Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. “Second,” he said, “you can’t never tell no one about this.” The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. “Third”, Bobby Lee said, “I want the chil’run raised Southern Baptist.” Once again, the Keeper agreed.
4. “And last of all,” Bobby Lee stated, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”
“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man h hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”
The Angel sa t back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, “OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel’s surprise, it was Donald Trump. “Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.”
Trump said, “No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. “I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very well,” the Angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel’s head. Finally he says, “Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.”
Clinton says, “OK, picture this. I’m naked, inside a refrigerator……”
Two guys are chatting in a bar. One says “Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?”
“Crap,” says his friend, “And I just joined the Elks.”
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, “I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know…”Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.”
The second guy says, “I’m a D.I.N.K.Y., you know…”Double Income, No Kids Yet. ”
The third guy says, “I’m a R.U.B., you know…”Rich, Urban, Biker. ”
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know…”Double Income, Little Dog Owner.”
They turn to the woman and ask her. ”What are you?” She replies: “I’m a WIFE, you know…Wash, Iron, F…, Etc.”
A Father walked into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches it in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar with out saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No”, the woman replied. “Divorce Attorney.”
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to Bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”
“Put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see about those fears you were having?” asked the psychiatrist.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!”
“Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!”
A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Polacks and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job”.
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they’d put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Stash and Stanley, the Polish guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?”
Stash, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, “Stanley and me, we got three in.”
The boss gasped, “Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!”
“Yeah,” said Stash, “but you should see how much they left stickin’ out of the ground!
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. “Whoa there,” said the doctor, “don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s another one coming.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
“Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. “No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!”cried the doctor
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
“You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple. Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied.
“In fact, there are no “African-Americans” depicted at all. They’re just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.”
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When >they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:
She took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.”
Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and then mailed the picture to her parents.
A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her ‘special’ area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she get up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?”
His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay,”
The husband says, “No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then!!”?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, “I make $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”
From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, “How much is the Barbie on the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95”
The amazed father asks: “What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?” The salesperson annoyingly answers : ”
Sir…, “Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer and… One of Ken’s Friends.”
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language?? The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!” The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”
The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?” The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.”
“There’s no need to,” his wife replied.
“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
“I know, I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
“Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”
“One Cent?” the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
“A nickel,” the barman replied.
“A nickel?” exclaimed the man “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied, “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.”
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.”
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
“I have to show you something you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
“My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead?!?!”
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, “Not this time!”
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM ….. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
“You lying bastard!
“You’ve been playing golf!”
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below…
GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
This was written by a black guy in Texas.. …..so funny…..what a great sense of humor!
When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks……
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who you callin’ colored??
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Florida. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Florida deputy’s expense!!
Deputy says,” License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What for?”
Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Deputy says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving sh*t out of the lawyer and says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”
FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these beautiful women gets married, she brings with her a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the southern United States.
Just thought you would like to know.
I normally do not give out retirement advice, but with this investment opportunity, I thought I would make an exception.
Some tips for retirement planning from an expert in the industry:
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock three years ago, it would now be worth $49.00 With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. But if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer three years ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $614.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It’s called the 401-Keg Plan.
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 911?
Wonder why this street is so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing…. I need to debate this with some friends for few days, and try to come to some sort of consensus.
Southerner’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one!”
Wife: “You AIN’T taking that to the Taxidermist
Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn’t show up Sam didn’t think much about it figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, “For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???”
Bill replied, “I have been in jail.”
“Jail???,” cried Sam!! “What in the world for???”
“Well,” Bill said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?”
“Yeah” said Sam, I remember her. What about her?”
“Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled “guilty” and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury”
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. “What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband.
“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???”
“Well,” replied the man… “I guess a spanking is out of the question?”
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, “Jeez, I’d really like to dance with that girl.”
The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don’t be a chicken shit.”
The man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m concentrating on matrimony and I’d rather sit than dance.”
So the man humbly returns to his friend. “So what did she say?” asks the friend.
The drunk responded, “She said she’s constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants.”
Technology tip of the day:
A British electronics company is developing computer chips that will store music in women’s breast implants. This is considered a major breakthrough, intended in part to offset women’s long-standing complaints that men are always staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began:
“Red………..cherry,”
“Yellow……..lemon,”
“Green………lime,”
“Orange……..orange.”
Then the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. Well,” he said “I’ll give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, “Oh My God!!!! They’re assholes!”
The Mole Family
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! I smell maple syrup!”
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says “Yum! I smell honey!”
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, “Geez, all I can smell is…. MOLASSES!
Two men were driving through Indiana when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and “WHACK,” the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick “What the hell was that for?” the driver asked.
“You’re in Indiana, son,” the trooper answered. “When we pull you over in Indiana, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.”
“I’m sorry, officer,” the driver said, “I’m from New York and didn’t know your laws here.”
The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license–he’s clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and “WHACK,” the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. “What’d you do that for?” the passenger demands.
“Just making your wish come true,” replied the trooper.
“Making WHAT wish come true?” the passenger asked.
“Because I know you New Yorkers,” the trooper says, “two miles down the road you’re gonna turn to your buddy and say….. ‘I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!’ “
Female reality!
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear
“Have you ever been f****d?”
he fellow looked up in amazement and said “No.”
She said “You will be when the tide comes in.”
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles.
The doctor asked, Where? Bubba said, “Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?”
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,” What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package? ” The dad replies,” Those are for high school boys: ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.” “Cool,” says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers: TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for the married men: ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March….etc.”
Water vs. Beer
WATER
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
BEER
We do not run that risk when drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, vodka, wine, or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poop
BEER = HEALTH
FREE YOURSELF OF POOP … DRINK BEER
It is better to drink beer and talk shit than it is to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service and because I have a kind heart.
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. “You’ll be fine,” he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?” The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. “What’s the matter Doctor?…. *blink – blink* .. I will be all right, won’t I?”
He replied, “Well.. Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out!
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made Love to you.”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that soundslike a good idea,” she answers.
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see this…two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are as active as eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!
She’s yelling, “Ohhhh, God!”
He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, ‘That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.’
As the couple pass, he says to them “That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it. You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret ?”
“No, there’s no secret,” the old man says,”except that fifty years ago, that damn fence wasn’t electric.”
A beautiful innocent lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.” Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Oh Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for a while…”
Santa begins to sweat but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” The girl takes off her bra and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.” Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” She loses the panties and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay….” Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, “HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my Dick this way!!!”
This man was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Then he looked for himself and saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, but they told him that no one was in his area to help, so he said ok, hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.”
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policeman said to this man: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
He replied “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
A group of girlfriends goes on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads “for women only.” Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. The doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what your looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what’s on that floor. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can’t return to it.”
The women talk it over and decide to go for it. They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, “All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are kind and sensitive.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads “All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly.” This wasn’t going to do, so again they head for the stairs.
The friends move up to the third floor where the sign read “All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women.” This was good but there are still two more floors so…
So on to the fourth floor, and this sign seems perfect. “All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight.” The women are really pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the FIFTH floor has to offer before they settle. When they reach the fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply noway to please a woman.”
A women’s great day
She wakes up and sees her son on the front of the Wheaties box…
Her boyfriend on the cover of Playgirl magazine…
And her husband on the back of a milk carton!!
Mike and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mike suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Mike out. When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is, Mike, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Mary replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending. Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!” The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”
A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.
“What good will Viagra do him in that condition?” the nurse inquired. The doctor replied, “It will keep the sheet off of him.”
A boy came home from school one day and said, “Dad, I have to do a special report for school. May I ask you a question?”
“Sure Son”, the father replied, “What’s the question?”
“What is politics?”, the boy asked.
“Well, his Father said, “Let’s take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me Management. Your Mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her Government. We take care of your needs, so let’s call you the People. We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your baby brother we will call the Future. Do you understand?” His son said, “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”
That night, awakened by his baby brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper the boy went to his parents’ room and found his Mother sound asleep. He then went to the Maid’s room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his Father in bed with the Maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheard by his Father and the Maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.
The next morning he told his Father, “Dad, now I think I understand politics.” His Father said, “That’s great Son! Explain to me in your own words.” Well, Dad, it’s like this”, the boy replied, “While Management is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep. The People are completely ignored and the Future is full of shit!”
Morris, the loudmouth mechanic, was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, “Hey, DeBakey! Is dat you? Come on ova’ here a minute.” The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, “So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an’ me is doing basically da same work?”
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. “Try doing it with the engine running.”
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. “Of course, Darling!” she replied. And so they had sex.
Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, and said, “You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?” Again she responded very sympathetically and agreed to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, “You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about we do it again for old times sake?” By this time she was getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agreed.
After they finished, she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped her on the shoulder again and said, “Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?” Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, “You know, YOU don’t have to get up in the morning… But I do!!!”
“Hello, is this the DEA?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m callin’ to report ’bout my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the DEA agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they break open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.
“Hey, did the DEA come to your house?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Happy Birthday, Buddy!”
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher’s wife said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels.”
The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However: One o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and still no hired hand Two-thirty, finally, in came the hired hand. The rancher’s wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.
“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she asked.
“Now take off my boots.” He did so, slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He did.
“Now take off my skirt.” He did.
“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!”
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man , ‘Don’t mind Rover . He is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work. The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man ‘Watch this’. He tells the dog ‘Rover, search ‘. The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm. He says, “Good boy ” and turns to the first man and says, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”
‘Fantastic!’ replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm. He says ‘Good boy, ” and turns to the first man and says, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this, and the seat number. ” “That’s marvelous. I’ve never seen anything like it!’ says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks ‘What the bloody hell is going on?’
The handler replies ‘He’s just found a bomb !’
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. “Mind if I have a few?” he asks. “No, not at all!” the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
“I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter.
First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. “I can’t let you in You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”
Then came the Methodist. “Sorry, can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”
The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Fanny.”
Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven where St. Peter meets them at the
pearly gates. St. Peter says, “Ladies you have all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.”
First Nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren” and POOF, she’s gone.
Second Nun says, “I want to be Madonna” and POOF, she’s gone.
The Third Nun says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”
St. Peter looks perplexed, “Who?” “Sara Pipalini!” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The nun then takes ‘The New York Times’ newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, “No, Sister, this says SAHARA PIPELINE laid by 500 men in seven days.”
Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, “Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason.
The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, “What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?”
The brunette says, “Oh sure…but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”
An old man asks a Wizard if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard replies: “Maybe, but you’ll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man answers without hesitation: “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman “in what position was the baby conceived ?”
“He was on top “, she replied. “You will have a boy !” the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question. “I was on top “, was the reply. “you will have a baby girl. ” said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. “What’s the matter?” asked the doc. “Am I going to have puppies ?”
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and — WHACK!! — knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The big dude says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”
The little guy thinks “GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden — WHACK!! — the big dude knocks him down AGAIN.
This time he says, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”
So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and — WHAM!!!” — knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When he gets up, tell him that’s a crowbar from Sears.
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?” The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”
Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, “How many ducks are there boy?” The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view. “That was unbelievable, can he do it again?” Bill asked. “Sure”, responded Bob, “how many ducks are there boy?”. The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond. “I have to have that dog,” Bill said, “I’ll give you $5000 and all of my hunting dogs.” They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife.
Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, “How many ducks are there boy?” The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife’s leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. “Bob gypped the hell out of you,” his wife said, “You are such a fool.” Bill protested, “But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there, boy?” Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife’s leg, grabbed a stick, shook it and threw it over his shoulder. “Well, shit.” Bill said, “this dog is useless.” Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob.
After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried “YOU IDIOT. That dog was telling you that there were more fucking ducks than you could shake a stick at.”
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. “Hmmmm,” he wonders, “How am I gonna get more dough?” Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!”
“That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?” “Just send him down here with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.” So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. “So how’s Fido doing, son?” his father asks. “Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results with this program, that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!”
“READ!?” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?” “Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy realizes he has a problem…when he gets home and his father finds out that the dog can neither talk nor read, he’s in big trouble, so he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. “Where’s Fido? I just can’t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your dad still screwing that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'”
The father says, “Oh, shit! I hope you SHOT that lyin’ son of a bitch!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the “rodeo.” The other guy asks, “What’s the Rodeo position, and how do you to do it?” The first guy says, “You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear – ‘Your sister likes this position too’ and then you try to hang on for 8 seconds.”
A little girl asked her mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring the Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
The boy yells back, “Roll of chicken wire.”
The old man says, “What you gonna do with that?”
The boy says, “Catch some chickens.”
The old man yells, “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
The old man yells out, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
The boy yells back, “Roll of duck tape.”
The old man says, “What you gonna do with that?”
The boy says back, “Catch me some ducks.”
The old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
The boy says, “It’s a pussy willow.”
The old man says “Hold on, I’ll get my hat.”
An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?” The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”
The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?” Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother’s
driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”
The mother is very shocked. She asks, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”
The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”
“Where did you learn that?”
The little girl says, “I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”
Here’s 3 guys on death row; A New Yorker, A Bostonian, and A Redneck from Texas. The warden gave them a choice of 3 ways to die: 1)Shot 2)Hung 3)Injected with the A.I.D.S. virus.
The New Yorker says, “Hey, it could happened anywise. Just shoot me right in the head.” Boom, he’s dead instantly.
The Bostonian says, “I’ll go like my forefathers. Hang me.” A quick “Snap” and he’s dead.
The Redneck thinks about it a bit and gets a big smile on his face and he says, “Gimme some o’that there AIDS stuff.” They give him the shot, and the Redneck falls down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wonder what’s wrong with this guy. The Redneck says “Gimme another one o’ those shots.” The guards give him a double dose this time. Now he’s really laughing. Tears are rolling from his eyes and he’s doubled over.
The Warden and guards are totally confused, so the Warden asks, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
The Redneck replies, “Nothin’… I’m wearin’ a condom!”
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.
She answers, ‘My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”
The nun says “OK, pull into the next alley.”
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”
Lorena Bobbitt’s sister was arrested last night for attempting to cause the same damage to her husband that Lorena had inflicted on her spouse. The sister didn’t hit the mark and stabbed her husband in the leg by mistake. She has been charged with a misdewiener.
Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.
They are going to call the practice “Jiffy Boob.”
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks, Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
“Rufus!!” Clarence would shout, “You better thank your lucky stars that I can’t swim….er I’d swim this river and whup your butt!!”
“Clarence!!!” Rufus would holler back, “You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can’t swim…er I’d swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!”
Every morning. Every day. Twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers come along. Builds a bridge. Still, Every morning. Every day. Another year goes by. Finally…. Mrs. Rufus has had enough.
“Rufus!” she squallers one day, “I can’t take no more!! Every day for 21 years you’ve been threatenin’ to whup Clarence. Well, thar’s the bridge……have at it.”
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. “Woman!” he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. “I’m gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!”
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up…..TURNED TAIL AND RAN, RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED PANTING AND GASPING UNDER THE BED!!!!!
“Rufus!” cried the missus, “I thought you was gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!”
“I was, woman, I was!!” he whispered.
“Rufus!” cried the missus, “What in tarnation is the matter?”
“Well,” muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, “I went to the bridge……I stepped up on the bridge….. walked halfway over the bridge…. looked up…..”
“And?” asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
“And,” continued Rufus, “I saw a sign that said “Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches” ………he ain’t never looked that big from the other side of the
river!!!!!!!”
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, “Pretty much the way you do.” A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member -about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. “I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.
“Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. “Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies, “all I got was a headache…she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!”
“IMPOSSIBLE!!”, said the groom broom. “WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER”
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh!, Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females”, he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone”.
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
“Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?” “After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.” “Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon……day”
“Does anyone know another word.” “I do! I do!” replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
“OK Mike, what is your word.” “Saturday.” says Mike. “Great, that has three syllables…”
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says “I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!” Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, “O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?” Johnny proudly says, “Mas…tur…ba…tion.” Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, “Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That’s certainly is a mouthful.” “No Ma’am, your thinking of ‘blowjob’, and that’s only two syllables.”
A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?” The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”
The milkman asked, “Pasteurized?” The blonde said, “No. Just up to my tits.”
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles…the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper….thinking it would make me stop. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!”
Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me liberty, or give me Death?'” She saw a sea of blank faces, exceptfor Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.” He said.
“Very good! Who said “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”? Again, no response except from Suzuki. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about our American history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Fuck the Japs.” “Who said that?” she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.” The teacher glared and asked “All right! Now, who said that?” Again, Suzuki said, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now being furious, another student yelled, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Suzuki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.” Suzuki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re fucked.” Suzuki said, “The Taliban! 2001.”
A blonde’s car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It’s not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What the heck is going on here?”
My car broke down,” says the lady, calmly.
“Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!” asks the cop.
And she said… “Those are my emergency flashers!”
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” asked Bubba.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. “Do you own a weed-eater?
“I sure do.” answered the redneck.
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard.” replied the professor.
“That’s real good.” the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.”
Impressed, the redneck shouted, “GAWL-LEEE!!”
“And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“Betty Mae! This is incredible!” (Bubba is obviously catching on.)
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual” said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard of. I can’t wait to take this here logic class.”
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin?” he asks.
“Math, history and logic,” replies Bubba.
“What in tarnation is logic?”
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?”
“No.”
“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”
A Jewish girl went to New York to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail. She pulled up to the family home in a BMW and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said ‘Hmmm – they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in New York.’
The girl took his hands and said, “Papa I’ve been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn’t want to put it in a letter. I can’t hide it from you any longer. I’ve become a prostitute.”
Her father gasped, put his hand over his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the Rabbi was called. As the Rabbi was comforting, the mother and daughter, the old man muttered weakly, “I’m a goner, killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you’ve become!”
“Please forgive me”, his daughter sobbed. “I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute.”
The old man sat bolt upright in bed, brushing the Rabbi aside, and was smiling. “Did you say prostitute? That was a close one – I thought you said Protestant!”
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are standing on her front porch, they are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her
“Darling, would you give me a blow job?”
Horrified, she replies “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s going to see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way. It’s just too risky!”
Him (horny as hell): “Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?”
Her: “No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: “No, no. I just can’t”
Him: “I beg you … ”
Out of the blue, the light on the porch goes on, and the girl’s mother shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: “your father says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom…”
There’s this couple who are financially strapped. They’ve been trying to figure out a way to come up with the money so that they don’t lose their home. The wife didn’t have any ideas as to what to do. But the husband says, “Hey, we could sell you.” He said, “I really hate to do this to you, but we really have no other alternative.”
She agrees to his idea. They go downtown, and he tells her to stand there on the corner and wait. He will watch from across the street to make sure everything is okay. A few minutes after she was standing there a car pulls up and he asks, “How much?” She says, “Can you wait a minute? I’ll be right back.” So she runs across the street, and says to her husband, “He wants to know how much, what should I tell him?” The husband says, “Tell him a hundred bucks.” So she runs back across the street, and tells him, “One hundred bucks.” The man says, “One hundred dollars?
That’s too much. I don’t have a hundred bucks. How much for a blow job?” She says, “Can you wait a minute? I’ll be right back.” So she runs across the street again, and says to her husband, “He says a hundred bucks is too much and wants to know how much for a blow job. What should I tell him?” The husband says, “Tell him thirty dollars.” So she runs back across the street and says to the guy, “Thirty dollars for a blow job.” He says, “Great! I have thirty dollars.”
So she gets into the car and he undoes his zipper and exposes himself to her revealing a 12″ penis. She looks and says, “Can you please just wait one more minute? I’ll be right back.” She gets out of the car and runs across the street and says to her husband, “Can we loan this guy $70?”
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him. “Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems.” The chief nodded. The official continued, “Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time” The chief smiled, and added quietly, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.” Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. he had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Leroy’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. “Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.” Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write god a letter.
Letter 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy. Leroy knew that this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2: Dear God, this is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Leroy Leroy knew that this wasn’t true either, so, he tore up the letter and started again.
Letter 3: Dear God, I have been an “ok” boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy. Leroy knew he could not send this letter to god either so, Leroy wrote another letter.
Letter 4: Dear God, I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. he went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy’s mother thought her plan had worked, as Leroy looked very sad. “Just be home in time for dinner,” Leroy’s mother told him.
Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5: I’ve got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike. Signed, you know who.
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells “Was I going up or coming down the stairs?”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells up “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door”
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration. “Thanks,” the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. “Little Partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little girl replied, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
When I was younger I hated going to weddings; it seemed that all of the Aunts and the grandmotherly types would come up to me, poke me in the ribs and tell me, “You’re next.”
They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Two killer-whales feeding off of the coast of Japan last October. There were two of them, a male and a female. They came across an old whaling ship, and the male recognized the ship as the same one that had harpooned his daddy many years ago. He grew quickly angry, and said to the female “let’s swim underneath the ship together, and blow out of our blow-holes at the same time maybe we can sink it”.
OK, she said … “let’s go” AND THEY DID AND IT WORKED and he was very happy with the result. That is, he was happy until he saw the sailors abandoning ship and swimming for shore. “LOOK AT THAT” he said “they’re getting away” “GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR” “let’s swim over there together and gobble them up”. Sensing hesitation from the female, he said “WHAT’S THE MATTER? LET’s GO”.
“WAIT A MINUTE” said the female “I went along with that blow-job thing” “BUT I AM NOT GOING TO SWALLOW THE SE(A)MEN”
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, thehorse fell into a bog and began to sink. The horse begged for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! The chicken ran back to the farm. He searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW. He managed to get a hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks
A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins!” A boy & a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother, came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother, he’s an idiot!”
Expecting the worst she asks the doctor…. “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise” says the doctor. The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name!” I guess I was wrong about my brother. “I like Denise!”
Then she asks the doctor “What’s the boy’s name?” The doctor replies…………….”Denephew!”
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my penis,” he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
“Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am,” replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
“I’ve never been on a ranch so I know I’m not a cowboy,” said the young woman, “but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.”
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
“I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.”
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn’t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.”
“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man. “Sure will,” said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. “That’s terrific!” said the cowboy, “Got any more tips for me?”
“Yep,” said the old man, “cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”
“Will that make me better gunfighter?” asked the younger man. “You bet it will,” said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. “Wow!” said the cowboy, “I’m learnin’ somethin’ here — got any more tips?”
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.”
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. “No,” said the old-timer, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”
“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.
“No,” said the old timer, “…but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin’ piano, he’s going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much!
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress” she whispered, sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he said.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was!”
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . .please advise.”
The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: “Watch that wall!”
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me…..I know we’ve been friends for a long time….. but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said “How soon do you need to know?”
Sex Study: It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs, and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.
When she said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”
He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!”
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!
He was ecstatic! They had been trying for a while. He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”
Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!” He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more’?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!
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